


Winging it

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Crack, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-24
Packaged: 2017-11-03 01:57:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony thought this was cool even when he was in the armor and Steve was riding him like a pony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fluffy Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Sue and Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four are briefly mentioned. Just imagine it's the Avenger Movie-verse, with a slight hint of comic verse where needed to account for anything that doesn't fit.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Sue gave Reed a stealth hug while he was in the middle of calibrating his latest invention- a metamorphic transducer. He felt the switch move, but he didn't worry about it. For safety's sake, he'd had it aimed outside the window, nearly straight up into the sky. At worst the beam would have struck a pigeon, an off-course gull, or possibly one of the falcons that prey on pigeons. It wouldn't even harm a bird if it did, as it required two sets of radically dissimilar DNA to induce change in the second subject. Sue whispered something in Reed's ear about massage oil and he stopped thinking about birds entirely.

***

Tony occasionally buzzed birds when Iron Man was flying with Steve on his back, because Steve always thought that was cool. Not that he said it was cool, but Tony could tell. He'd done a lot of Steve-studying since they stopped fighting with each other and started sleeping together, and he could tell the difference in body language between 'stop screwing around Tony, we have to get back to work', and 'oh, hey, this is cool' even when he was in the armor and Steve was riding him like a pony. Which, ok, yeah, Tony had a fair amount of experience with that, too, even when not flying. Tony thought the armor was sexy, and Steve _definitely_ was sexy, so combining the two was better than peanut butter and chocolate, sort of sexy squared. Steve was surprisingly agreeable to kinkiness, provided he didn't actually break Tony, and the armor helped a lot with that. So Tony was prepared to get a little bird poop on the armor, maybe a stray feather caught in between armor bits.

What Tony wasn't prepared for was buzzing past a falcon diving into a flock of pigeons and having the air go weird, distorted like heat-waves, and all sparkling gold and silver and a color that might be purple except that it was _vibrating_. He didn't have time to analyze what had happened, or even to react, because it went from 'hey, Steve, watch me do this' to suddenly 'WOW' and 'OW' very nearly simultaneously. His back felt as if a load of shrapnel was trying to burst _OUT_ of his skin, instead of in, and really the difference wasn't an improvement on that sensation. He rolled in the sky in a starburst of panicked pigeons, clinging to Steve out of mindless instinct. He couldn't remember how to control the armor, and the ground was coming up very fast and all he knew was that he had to keep Steve on top and protect him because he knew crashing hurt, it really, really hurt and Steve wasn't wearing armor. Noooo. "NOOOOO!" 

There was a voice, "Emergency overrides in effect." Tony recognized it as a voice, but he didn't understand what it was saying, and then he was falling slower. He and Steve landed heavily, but not breakably heavy, on grass and not concrete. "Oww!" Tony yelled when the helmet came off, taking some hair with it. "Out, out, out!" he yelled up at Steve who was holding the helmet. Steve threw the helmet to one side and began tugging at one of Tony's gauntlets. Tony wriggled frantically, and pulled at the armor with the hand Steve wasn't working on. Between the two of them they found edges and places that moved, and got the armor off and then they got off the body suit he had beneath it. The pain eased enough that Tony fell onto his belly in the warm grass and sighed, stretching everything and feeling the blood rush back warm into all the places the suit had hurt. He heard Steve moving, taking off his own clothes, too, and Tony was pleased about that in a tired way. He liked Steve naked.

Tony soon decided the grass wasn't comfortable, so he stood up and put his arms around Steve who was naked and warm and it felt so good to hug him that the pain was almost completely gone. Steve hugged him back and made soft, happy noises. After a moment, Tony noticed there were people looking at them and moving closer. Tony backed away from them, pulling at Steve's arms. "Go." He looked at Steve and pulled at Steve's arms again. Steve looked at the people, and moved protectively in front of Tony, spreading his wings wide. 

Tony didn't remember Steve having wings. They were very beautiful, all shining white and smooth. Tony thought a moment and spread his own wings, trying to get them around to have a look at them. They weren't as pretty as Steve's, he thought, as he touched what he could reach. Brown, patterned in shades of black and gray and lighter brown. And not as big as Steve's, and shaped not exactly the same, although he couldn't say what the difference was. He flapped once and felt the air cup beneath his feathers. He grinned. "Steve! Steve!" He flapped harder and jumped and he was in the air. Not as fast as the suit, but still, flying! Flying was good. "STEVE! FLY!"

Steve leaped and flapped and followed Tony into the air. Tony laughed and flapped harder. Steve followed him, a little clumsily. Tony began playing, flying around Steve. His wings weren't as pretty as Steve's but they were much faster, Tony found to his delight. He could fly up high and then fold his wings and dive on Steve, pulling up at the last second so his feet just brushed through Steve's hair. And Steve couldn't catch him unless Tony let him. "STEEEEVE," Tony shouted as he flew down and then did a few rolls in front of him, showing off. Steve grabbed Tony's foot, and ran a finger up the sole. 

"EEEE, no, STEEVE!" Tony giggled and his wings slid him sideways until Steve stopped tickling, and then Tony slowed down and flew at Steve's side.

***

"Home," Tony said when he was tired because they'd played for a long time, dodging helicopters and the Hulk and Thor. Tony remembered them vaguely. They weren't any fun. Steve was fun. He was Tony's friend. He followed Tony where ever he went and only tickled sometimes. Steve made an agreeable noise and followed Tony back to Tony's place. They landed on the big balcony Iron Man used and then went into the living room.

"Tony! Steve!"

Tony fluffed up his feathers. Thor was in Tony's place. Only Tony and Steve should be here. "Go!" 

"My friends, let us help you." Thor had his arms spread wide, but he had the hammer in one of them. Steve growled, and his feathers rose higher than Tony's as he took a step towards Thor.

A head supported by a very long blue neck stretched into the room. Tony half-winged into the air in a panic, shouting, "SNAKE!" Steve lunged for the snake, but it pulled back, shouting, "No, no, I'm not a snake!"

Thor moved towards Steve's unprotected back, so Tony dove towards him only to meet Thor's open hand against his arm. "Ow!" Tony shouted as he felt something break. He turned to fly out of the room to the balcony, but the glass doors wouldn't open and he smashed into them. He fell to the floor and scrambled back into a corner, trying to hold his wings in front of him. Steve couldn't fly inside because his wings were too big, but he was trying to get between Tony and Thor.

"Be careful! Their bones must be hollow!" another voice called out, but Tony was hurting and scared too much to think who it was.

"Steeve," Tony cried out. His heart was going so fast it made him sick. Warm white feathers came down around him and Tony huddled under their cover, shaking. Steve knelt in front of him, facing Thor and the others and growling.

"Keep back, let them settle," the other voice said. Tony peered past Steve's wings. It was Bruce talking. He remembered that Bruce didn't like to get angry or do mean things. Tony put his good hand against Steve's back, between the wings. Steve was shaking, too.

The head with the blue neck came back, but this time it was attached to a man dressed in blue. He didn't come close or move fast, but Tony was still sick with terror. The blue man started talking, softly, to the other people. "Apparently the change wasn't just physical. We'll need an expert on avian behavior before we try to do anything."

***

The people left, but Tony and Steve still couldn't get out. After a while, Steve put several mattresses in a corner and piled blankets to make a nest and curled up with Tony, gently stroking his face and good arm and chest while Tony shivered. Then the glass windows turned black and the lights went out. Couldn't see, Couldn't move, but nothing to worry about. Night was for staying still.

Then there were soft sounds and voices again. "Adjust your thermal vision goggles." 

"Right. There they are, in the corner."

Tony shifted uneasily, but black, couldn't move, not in the black. Hands caught at him and pulled him from Steve. "No! Steeeve!" He heard Steve growling, but then something was put over his head and he was being moved and Steve's growls were suddenly gone as he heard a door shut. He couldn't move, dark, couldn't fight. Hands moved him, voices said soft things but he wasn't even trying to understand them. Things smelled sharp and familiar in an unpleasant way. He remembered being in this place, and it was always when he hurt, or worse, when Steve was hurt. His wings jerked and flapped, hitting against people and things that rattled. "Nooo!" Tony's protest was muffled by the hood.

"Can't you give him something to calm him?"

"Too risky. Hooding minimizes handling shock, but we still need to work quickly... get his arm over to the x-ray machine."

"Ow," Tony protested as his hurt arm was moved and held. The voices kept talking as they touched him and did things. It was all soft voices saying things where he sometimes understood a word here and there. He was shivering. "Steve." He wanted Steve. 

"Simple fracture. Get the air-cast. I'd like to give him a glucose IV but I don't think we should keep them separated that long."

"Richards is working on the reversal, but he says it'll take days. At least. What do we do with them in the meantime?"

"Warmth, dim lighting and quiet. Stock up the room with easily accessible foods and water and monitor them remotely. Don't go near them unless it's absolutely essential and do that in total darkness."

The hands moved him again, Tony stumbled along with his wings twitching and half flapping until they stopped. The thing on his head was taken off, but it was still black dark and he stood still once they released him. He heard a door shut, and then the light came up, soft, soft, but clear enough to see Steve coming to him. "Steve!" Tony closed his eyes as Steve put his arms and his wings around him and that was better, much better. He felt his heart slow and the trembling ease. "Steve." 

Steve kissed him and took him back to the nest. "Steve," Tony said softly. He reached down with his good arm to play with Steve's dick. Steve smiled and his hands went down Tony's front, but then he stopped and made a puzzled noise. Tony looked down at himself. "Huh." No dick. Where did it go? Tony let go of Steve so he could feel around down there and see if he could find it. His fingers slipped into an opening he was pretty sure he didn't remember having. "Oh." It felt pretty good. No dick, but felt good, ok, fine. He grinned at Steve while he rubbed his fingers inside himself. This was easier than putting his fingers in his ass. Roomy and with a good place for Steve's dick to rub. "Steve?" Tony spread his wings out wide and lay on his back on the nest, wriggling happily. "Steve."

Steve made a happy noise and got on top of Tony, kissing him and touching him in all the ways Tony liked best. Almost all the ways. Tony wrapped his legs around Steve and rubbed against Steve's dick. Steve always liked to take it slow, but Tony wanted it NOW. He liked to do it fast the first time. Steve sighed his 'you are so pushy, but I love you anyway' sigh, which Tony always understood. Then Steve felt around for Tony's new hole and pushed in. Tony moaned and lifted his hips to meet Steve. "Yes." Tony's 'not dick' worked fine, felt great, nice and slick and felt good, good, very good. "STEEEEVE," Tony complained when Steve stopped pushing in and looked down at them, a line of confusion between his brows.

"Good, Steve! Yes!" Tony wriggled and squeezed muscles he hadn't had before. Steve's eyes crossed and he groaned and moved. "YES!" Tony wriggled happily. His wings flapped, Steve's wings flapped, and everything fit together beautifully and felt good, so good. The light stayed dim but he could see Steve's eyes were still blue, so everything was good.

***

They ate, and had sex and slept, and sometimes it got so dark they couldn't move. Then there were voices, but the voices never came close, and when the light got brighter again there was more food and sometimes there were toys. Tony liked toys. It got boring, even though they could have all the sex they wanted. Steve's shield was there one time when the light got brighter and that made Steve happy, so Tony was happy too, even though he was feeling a bit strange, heavy and sleepy and hungry all the time. Tony thought that eating more than Steve and sleeping more than Steve was different for him, but then a lot of things were different.

During the bright time after the shield came, Tony couldn't stop looking at it. "Steve?" Tony touched Steve's shield. He wanted it. Steve picked it up and moved it to the other side of the room. Tony went over to the shield and looked at it. "Steve?" Steve took the shield and moved it back while frowning at Tony. Tony went to the nest and turned his back on Steve. He fluffed up his feathers and pulled his wings tight around himself.

Steve came up behind Tony and nudged him. "No," Tony said. Steve patted him on the back. Tony shrugged him off. Steve went away and came back with a doughnut which he tried to feed Tony. Tony turned his face away. "No." Tony was sad. All he wanted was Steve's shield and Steve wouldn't let him have it. He sniffled, feeling sorry for himself. If Steve loved him, he would give him the shield.

Steve went away again. He came back and nudged Tony with something cold. Tony looked up. Steve handed Tony the shield. Steve didn't talk, but Tony could see that he wanted to say something. Tony kissed him. "I love you, too." Steve smiled and watched as Tony carefully placed the shield in the middle of their nest and curled up on top of it.

The next time the light brightened there was something in the shield. Tony moved just enough so Steve could see it. Tony had made it and he was very proud of it and no one except Steve should see it. Steve liked it, too. Steve went into the other rooms where there were things and got soft cloth and put the cloth all around the thing Tony made, so it couldn't be hurt when Tony curled up on it. They kept it hidden because when the room got black the people might take it, but not if they didn't know about it. Tony didn't have to explain that to Steve, he could see that Steve felt the same way about this very good thing. It was theirs. Their special best thing.

Tony made another thing later which was just as special and best as the first one. Steve was so happy he kept bringing Tony doughnuts. And then there was another best special thing, and Tony hoped there wouldn't be any more because making them was not easy, and it would be hard to hide any more.

***

And then it went dark and the people came for them.

***

Gold, silver, purple/not purple. Tony screamed and Steve screamed and it hurt, it hurt and his wings, his wings... his wings...

***

Tony opened his eyes and looked around. He was in Reed Richard's laboratory. He frowned and then he remembered. He sat up. "Where's Steve?"

Reed waved at the other side of the room. Tony got up. He noticed he was naked, and he paused to look down. Yes, everything was back to normal. The stupid air cast was still on his arm, though. He went over to Steve and a quick glance told him that Steve was fully restored, but unconscious. He shook Steve's shoulder. "Steve? Wake up."

Reed cleared his throat. Tony glanced back at him. "Steve's taking longer to fully stabilize. The super-soldier serum's somatic effects are conflicting with the metamorphic genetic changes." Quite probably Tony's expression spoke loudly, as Reed hastened to add, "He'll be fine, it's working, it's just going to take a few hours, maybe a day, longer. You can wait here until he wakes."

"No. No, I have... something to do. I need to get back to my workshop. Things to do. I lost a lot of time here."

***

Tony was in his workshop, sleeping slumped over the desk when Steve came in and shook his shoulder. Even asleep he knew it was Steve, but he never could decide how he knew. "Nooo. Not... Later." He waved a hand vaguely. "Sex later. Sleep now."

"Tony."

Tony blinked and straightened, suddenly wide awake. That was the 'Captain America demands your attention' voice. "What?"

"Tony. Are you all right?"

"Fine. Fine." Tony ran his hands through his hair, rumpling it more. "How are you? Do you..." Tony swallowed hard.

"Yes. I remember. Tony... I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Tony kept his expression non-committal, but it was difficult. "Yes. Well..."

Steve grabbed Tony's shoulders hard and kissed him. "Don't look like that. I'm sorry, but I don't blame you. I'm sure you did your best to save them."

Tony blinked. "Oh. That's what you're sorry about?"

"Of course it is!"

Tony squirmed out of Steve's grip and stood up. He pointed to the nearest work surface. "Look."

Steve looked. "It's... all your fancy yogurts and bottled waters." He looked at Tony, eyebrows raised in Steve code for 'I know you're strange, Tony, but would you kindly explain your latest strange'. 

"I had to clear out the refrigerator when I converted it to keeping things warm instead of cold." Tony knew he sounded smug. "Works like a charm. HEY!" he yelled as Steve grabbed him and kissed him hard. "Should be about a month," Tony said, once his mouth was no longer occupied. "And then we get Reed to sort them out to proper humans. He's already working on the conversion."

Steve looked at the eggs in the incubator and then back at Tony. "Only a month?" He frowned and pulled out his cell phone. 

"Who are you calling?"

"Pepper. It's not going to be easy arranging a wedding in less than a month." Steve looked at Tony. "And don't you dare say no. No child of ours is going to be born out of wedlock."

Tony opened his mouth to protest, and then shut it. "Yes, dear."


	2. Nesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony isn't the only one who cracks up.

In retrospect, allowing Rhodey and Clint to jointly host their bachelor party was... well, really unavoidable, but they should have argued harder against Thor providing the venue in Asgard.

Tony staggered out of one mead hall wearing a metal hat with over-sized gold horns and a strategically placed scrap of golden fleece. He stopped at the sight of a familiar back, unfamiliarly covered in ...leaves. Steve turned to face him. Part of a grape vine, loaded with purple-black grapes, was dangling over one ear. Steve looked him directly in the eyes. "We will never speak of this night again."

***

After that, the wedding was a cinch, even if they did get attacked by Magneto and the Red Skull. Not that Tony and Steve noticed at the time.

Pepper was tying the last of a long string of expensive shoes to the bumper of Tony's car as they were leaving the church (Steve wanted a church wedding, Tony wanted to sign papers in the courthouse. They compromised on a church wedding. Tony still wasn't quite sure how that had happened.). She was standing atilt on a shoe with a broken heel, and her eyes were reddened. "Are you all right, Pep?" Tony called over his shoulder as Steve opened the door of the Mustang (letting him drive was Tony's groom gift, promising to break the speed limit at least once was Steve's). 

"I always cry at weddings!" Pepper shouted. Everyone threw birdseed at them as they drove away.

When Tony saw Magneto's mugshot later, he thought the Manolo Blahnik imprint on his forehead added just the right touch.

***

Lists began appearing on the incubator. Tony tore down the one that read, 'Huey, Dewey, and Louie.'

"Clint is not allowed to have any more paper," he announced while putting up 'Maria, Sarah, and James.'

***

"What do you mean, you're not ready!" Tony glared at Reed. "It's been a month!" Beside him, Steve was standing, arms crossed and wearing a 'Captain America is deeply disappointed in you' look which seemed to bother Reed more than Tony's anger.

"Yes, I know, but there was that alien invasion." Reed looked apologetic. "You remember, last week?"

"What kind of scientific genius are you? Can't you multi-task?" Tony threw his hands up in the air.

"Look, do you want me to rush this?"

Steve put a hand on Tony's shoulder and squeezed gently. "No, Reed, we don't want to take any chances with our children. Take your time. I'm sure Tony and I will be able to manage."

Tony gave Steve a dirty look as they left Reed's lab. "I wasn't through shouting at him."

"Come on, we have to babybird-proof the Tower."

"Oh, God, they'd better not be able to fly when they hatch!"

***

The combination locks on the toilet lids didn't last too long. The Hulk lost patience. Tony sighed and put the plumber's number on speed-dial. He remembered teaching G.I.Joe to become a frogman. And Ken. And Barbie and her friend Skipper. He didn't want to underestimate the Stark genes.

***

Steve had a long, quietly intense, talk with Tony near the incubator one day. Natasha just happened to be close enough to overhear, and no, the listening device planted in the corner had nothing to do with it. By the time Tony emerged from the workshop, looking more than a bit depressed, she had already filled three crates with wine and liquor and had Clint replacing the empty spaces in the liquor cabinets with the complete set of Baby Genius videos that Tony had bought, alternating with Steve's collection of Nerf balls in every sport known to man. "I thought you might like to put these in storage. Baby equipment takes up a lot of room."

Tony looked at her for a moment. "Thanks. But I think I'd rather donate them to a worthy cause." Tony grinned. "Ship them to Fury."

***

Iron Man dropped Captain America off and then landed on the balcony, scratched and still smoking. He headed down the ramp, barely giving the disassembly automata time to work. "Hurry up, get me out of here! I am so _pissed off_ at Doctor Doom!"

"I think he probably noticed," Steve said. "Ripping the leg off his Doombot and beating him over the helmet with it would have been a good clue."

"Doesn't he have any respect for family?" Peeled down to a wrinkled business suit, Tony snatched up a digital camera from the coffee table. "We MISSED it! There will be gaps in the album!"

Steve rolled his eyes and followed Tony. "Everything's fine. Jarvis said it went well. And you already have about five hundred photos of the eggs."

"This is different! Oh, hey, Jarvis! You took photos, didn't you?"

"Of course I did, sir." Jarvis sounded very patient. Everyone had been sounding very patient with Tony for weeks now. Tony had been basically bouncing off the walls worrying about the most ridiculous things. Bruce had tried to slip him some of his Xanax, but Steve had _frowned_ and so everyone just put up with it. 

The Hulk was standing in front of the incubator when they arrived, peering in with a goofy grin on his face. Tony growled and the Hulk backed up quickly, almost knocking over Dummy who was holding a box of Pamper's Newborns.

Tony stopped and stood there, staring into the incubator. Steve opened the door and reached inside. "Careful," Tony said. "He's... so... tiny."

Steve picked up the curly haired blond baby, who opened blue, blue eyes and gave him an unfocused look, very like Tony when he was planning to build something impossible, dangerous, and ridiculously flashy. "Hello, James," Steve said softly. 

James produced a sound halfway between a gurgle and a cheep, and fluttered his tiny, snow-white wings. Tony reached out to stroke James's arm. A tiny hand grasped Tony's finger.

"Oh, my God," Clint said from behind them, "I may die from the cute. It's a frickin' cherub." Natasha elbowed him in the ribs and hissed, "Snap the photo now. Blackmail later."

***

Steve took the first photo of Tony holding the triplets and had it made into t-shirts on Zazzle with the caption 'Tony's Angels'.

Tony retaliated by turning Steve's photo holding the triplets into Cafepress shirts captioned 'America's Most Wanted'.

All proceeds went to children's charities.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/eclectic_house/7067635205/) [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/eclectic_house/7067635233/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flattery sometimes works with me. I dedicate this chapter to Aramirandme81.


	3. Flying the Coop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the triplets are temporarily misplaced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dedicated to DBZVelena who requested more about the babies causing havoc as they learn to fly and also crazy babysitting disasters and at least 1 evil mastermind must be stupid enough to kidnap them only to return em due to: insert reason here.

A hand squeezed Tony's shoulder. "I'm awake," he mumbled, while tightening his grip on the spoon of mush he was aiming at Maria's mouth, with a lamentably low success rate judging by the mess covering him, Maria, and the couch.

"Sure you are, Tony," Steve said as he worked Maria's fingers loose from the stretched out collar of Tony's Iron Maiden t-shirt (a gag gift from Clint that Tony actually liked). "Go be awake in bed, I've got the kids."

"Bed? Interesting concept." Tony didn't open his eyes as he slumped over to lie flat on his back on the couch. "I remember beds. And sleeeep, beautiful sleep."

"Hey, Thor, lend a hand here, will ya?" Steve said as he balanced a fluttering Maria on his hip and tugged at Tony's shirt with his free hand. "I think Maria's broken Tony a little bit."

Thor pulled Tony into a sitting position and peeled the sticky t-shirt off of him. "I shall see our friend to his much-needed rest." He tossed Tony over his shoulder and headed out of the room.

"Nooo, baby. Give me back... baby's hungry," Tony protested weakly, flapping his hands randomly against Thor's back.

"They are always hungry," Thor commented accurately. James, Maria and Sarah ate like baby birds, which is to say, they consumed nearly their own body weight each day and grew practically before your eyes. At one month old, they were as developed as six month old human infants. They ate _constantly_ , interrupted only by sleep, and since they tended to stagger their sleep times, that meant there was at least one piping, chirping, complaining little voice nearly every minute of the day. "Never fear, thy offspring are in loving hands."

"Oh. Good." Tony's eyes closed for a moment and then opened. "Reed ever show up?"

"Alas, the flexible one remains astray in an unnamed dimension. He has communicated his good health and amicable relations with the native dwellers, yet says he must await a congenial alignment of the planes before his return."

"Yeah, huh, no." Tony huffed against Thor's back. "He just doesn't want to admit that he hasn't figured out how to turn the kids normal. Coward. I wasn't really going to kill him... much. Just... bend him into pretzels."

***

Two seconds after the Avengers returned from dispatching the villain of the week- for a change, it wasn't a giant destructive monster which at least looked good in news footage, but instead a middle-aged balding man in an ill-fitting business suit with the ability to turn random things (including skyscrapers, trash bins, and electric diner signs) at angles not normally allowed by gravity and randomly increase and decrease sounds- well, anyway, two seconds after they entered the tower, the silence and total lack of floating downy feathers alerted them to a problem.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Iron Man's hand grabbed the parchment scroll that was draped over the roofed-in playpen in the living room.

"Fuck," Clint said succinctly, his marksman's vision reading it from across the room. "The Mandarin's teleported in and snatched the cherubs."

"Tony, find the Mandarin's headquarters." Steve went into the armory calmly and began loading himself down with weaponry, including a laser bazooka. "Hulk, you bring the diapers and the Gerbers."

The Hulk grunted and began filling a giant green backpack.

Natasha went over to a pounding noise coming from the locked closet and let Pepper out, dodging a thrown shoe. "THAT BASTARD. He made an illusion..."

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "What was it?"

"A shoe-tree." Pepper sighed. "It was...amazing." She picked up her shoe and put it on. "So he's got the triplets? Where's Thor?"

"The last villain upset him, so he went home to get drunk. Midgardian liquor doesn't do it for him." Natasha shook her head and went into the armory to pick up whatever Steve had left behind. "You're holding down the fort."

Pepper scowled. "I never get to kick any villain ass. Tony, when are you going to make me a suit!"

"When you can decide what color the boots should be." Tony waved a gadget which was glowing blue. "I've got the Mandarin's location." 

"AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!" Steve shouted as Tony tucked him under one arm and jetted off the balcony.

The Hulk grabbed Natasha under one arm, and Clint under the other, and leaped off the balcony. Pepper began picking up the babies' toys.

***

"Huh," Iron Man said, looking down at the multi-colored lights rising from the rubble of the Mandarin's once hidden base. "Looks like someone got here before us."

"Land there." Steve said, pointing to the center of the destruction.

The Avengers marched in, dodging sheets of ice and other interesting effects from the Mandarin's ten rings of power. "MANDARIN! WHERE ARE OUR BABIES!" 

Tony was glad the armor had selective volume control, because Steve was really, really pissed off.

A tattered white robe on the end of a splintered staff waved feebly from an overturned table. "PLEASE!" the Mandarin cried out, "Take them! Have mercy!"

"Huh," Iron Man said again. "Ok, that's new." He looked up as something pink fluttered down into his arms. "James!" Tony flipped back his face plate and grinned at the baby who was teething on four of the Mandarin's rings at once, sending little fizzles of power in all directions. "No, put that down, you don't know where it's been." With the deftness of long practice, Tony distracted James with a Zwieback biscuit, got the rings and crumpled them like aluminum foil.

Maria fluttered down into Steve's arms, grinning angelically around a mouthful of deadly rings. Steve grinned down at her goofily and let her have a munch on the edge of his shield before he squished the rings. The Mandarin continued to whimper from his corner.

Sarah landed on the Hulk's head. He giggled and exchanged a tickle for her rings, which he stomped on. Then he flipped a table right side up and began laying out the diapering equipment. Hulk was a master diaper-changer.

Natasha and Clint wandered over to the Mandarin. "You know," Natasha said, "I broke a nail on the way over here."

The Mandarin cringed. Clint said, "Hey, don't look at me, I'm only here to look pretty."

Tony made a humphing noise.

"You don't count when you're in the tin can."

Tony tossed Maria up in the air. She giggled and said, "Ma ma!" 

Steve looked at Tony. "Tell me you had your surveillance recorder on."

"Of course I did," Tony said smugly before he leaned over to kiss Steve.


	4. Flight School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DBZVelena wondered what would happen if the X-man Angel visited. This is it.

"Reed is going to turn them normal any day now," Tony said while buttoning Sarah into a set of Captain America overalls. "So there's no need for a flight instructor."

"Reed's been saying 'any day now' for two months," Steve rebutted as he grabbed James's ankle and worked Iron Man overalls onto the squirming little boy, who looked about a year old. "They're walking and talking, and constantly trying to get out through the windows!"

"The windows are locked!"

The Hulk wandered in with Maria perched on his head. She was wearing Spider-Man overalls. Tony still hadn't found out who sent _that_ as a baby gift. He would have thrown them out, but Maria had turned her mini-Tony pouty face on him and he'd caved.

Steve sighed and clipped a long leash on the back of James's overalls. "Show mom how to open a window, Jamie, please?"

James giggled, fluttered over to the window, and tapped in the twelve digit unlock code with his pudgy little fingers. "EASY, Da! Is PI!"

Steve gave Tony a look. Tony coughed. "Well, Maria figured out Euler's Constant..."

Sarah saw the open window. She wiggled her bottom and her eyes narrowed. Steve recognized the 'about to launch' look and hastily shut the window. "Tony, they're going to get out. If you have a swimming pool, you don't just toss your children in and expect them to figure it out on their own."

Tony doesn't mention that's exactly what his father had done with him. "We could move into the mansion. That's only three stories."

"Good idea. It'll be easier for them to learn to fly in the garden." Steve tossed James up to let him have a flutter. "You can take photos, so after they've lost their wings.."

Tony sighed and bent his head to Sarah's belly. She giggled and tugged at his hair. "Ow." He lifted his head and kissed her cheek. "Yeah. I wish we didn't have to do it."

"You know we can't separate the wings from the increased metabolism."

Tony nodded. "Yeah. At this rate they'll be asking for keys to the Audi in three years." And dying of old age before they're twenty. Tony sighed. "Fine. I'll tell Xavier we want to borrow Angel. I'm not having our kids set foot in his preppy Westchester asylum. I hate boarding schools."

***

Warren Worthington the third arrived in the garden a little past noon, backlit by sunlight, his white wings translucently edged in gold, his blond hair shining as he landed gracefully in a hushed whisper of feathers, pretty much the opposite of one of Iron Man's clanking touchdowns. Tony didn't exactly hate him for that, but it was close. "Hi!" Warren said as he smiled with all his perfect white teeth.

"Yeah. Hi." Tony put on his sunglasses to protect himself from the dental glare. "So, the kids are inside having thunch."

"Thunch?" Even Warren's puzzled expression was perfect. 

"Third lunch." Tony turned and headed for the door. "You ever teach kids before?"

"Oh, I've helped out around the school. I haven't got a teaching certificate, but kids seem to like me."

Tony was so not surprised. He led the way to the small dining room. "Warren's here," Tony announced as he pushed the sliding door open, all six foot whatever of shining blond angel at his back.

Steve and the triplets looked up from their chicken nuggets, zucchini sticks and yogurt. The triplets' eyes all went round. Three pair of still slightly fuzzy wings snapped open, sounding like a repeating action rubber-band gun (yes, Tony had made one, when he was two) and the kids took off like guided missiles, right over Tony's head, aiming straight for Warren. 

Tony had a moment of irrational jealousy, because, hey, it's only natural that they'd be attracted to someone like themselves. Then Warren yelled. "OW! Hey, that hurts!" and Tony turned to see his three little cherubs transformed into raging demons, yanking at Warren's feathers and hair and doing their best to sink their baby teeth into his arms.

"Well, at least you taught them a good take-off," Tony said as he and Steve began coaxing the furious children off Warren. 

Steve said, "We're terribly sorry. I don't know what's got into them." He cuddled James, who spit out a white feather and glared at Warren. "OWL! Bad bird!"

"I don't know where they got that from." Tony collected Maria and Sarah. "Warren isn't an owl. He's come to teach you how to fly." Maria squirmed loose, flew to the table, picked up a plate and flung it discus fashion right into Warren's face.

Warren fell right on his butt. Steve said, "Did you see that? Did you?" He grinned at Tony. "Can you make them miniature shields?"

Tony grinned back at Steve. "Yes!"

Warren cleared his throat. "I think I'll just be going back to the Professor now." No one noticed as he left.

***

"Circle to the right, the light is better!" Steve called, while looking through the viewfinder.

"How's this?" Iron Man slowly tilted, repulsors on low power, as he towed the triplets on harnesses behind him, flapping and giggling gaily.


	5. Bird Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I THINK this is the last of this story. Reed messes up once more.

***

It took four months for Reed to work out a normalizing treatment for the triplets. Tony celebrated by purchasing a ridiculously expensive triplet perambulator so he and Steve could show the two-year olds Central Park in style (and without them wreaking havoc).

Sue celebrated by stealth-kissing Reed. She did it while he was at the controls of the metamorphic transducer, which happened to tilt down towards Central Park.

Clint took the call. "This is the Avengers, not Animal Control, officer. Oh. Uh huh... yeah... we'll be right there. NATASHA, BRUCE, THOR! They did it again."

***

"At least this time they're both guys," Clint said, breathing a bit heavily after mastiffoid-Steve had knocked him to the ground for the third time, while bearded collieoid-Tony stood guard over the pram with the triplets tugging at his fur and laughing gleefully every time he snarled at anyone who approached.

Natasha wasn't having any better luck. For some reason Tony yelped shrilly whenever she approached and that got Steve bouncing in between, like a furry brick wall.

Bruce watched calmly for a few minutes, then went over to the nearest hot dog stand and bought out the contents. "I spoke to Reed, he says he'd made adjustments, and the effects will only last a few hours." Tony's ears went up and his tail wagged tentatively as Bruce came over with the hotdogs. Two dozen hot dogs later, Tony and Steve were curled up at his feet, dozing, while Natasha and Clint had a whispered argument with an Animal Control officer. The officer was one hundred and eighty pounds of dreadlocked Amazon wearing a neat uniform and carrying a wire catch loop in one hand. 

"The law is the law." The officer was calmly adamant.

"They're only going to be.. furry... for a few hours!" Clint said.

"They're unlicensed, unvaccinated, unleashed, uncollared, and in a public park. I'll have to impound them."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "You're going to lock up Captain America and Iron Man, who also happens to be billionaire Tony Stark, in a dog cage?"

The officer grinned. "Yes."

"It might be funny," Clint said.

"It might upset the triplets."

Clint winced. "Yeah, ok, that's never funny."

Natasha sighed and pulled a StarkTech phone out of one of the many mysterious hiding places she had in her clothing. "I'll apply for the licenses on-line and pay for them now."

"Don't forget the surcharge for entire males. Unless you have proof they've been neutered."

Natasha looked at the officer. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"You wouldn't believe how much." Her grin widened.

Natasha produced a card. "Call this number. We might have work for you."

"They're not leaving here without vaccinations. Pets VetSpace is at 8 West 65th. You could send Robin Hood here to get some. And collars and leashes."

Natasha looked at the officer with something like admiration. "You have a camera, don't you?"

"Everyone has a hobby."

***

Tony woke up cuddled next to Steve, which wasn't at all unusual. He scratched at his neck, and encountered leather. "Mmm..." He followed the leather to a pair of smooth metal tags. "Kinky... oh, wait. Not again! I'm GOING TO KILL REED!" Tony sat up. "OW, MY ASS! NATASHA!"

Steve yawned and sat up, scratching at his belly. 

Tony unbuckled his collar and waved it in front of Steve. "Can you believe it!"

Steve blinked and read the tags. He grinned. "I don't see anything wrong with this. _Tony Stark. If found, return to Steve Rogers. Reward._ "


	6. Whose Bird-brained Idea was it, Anyway?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where was Thor in Chapter 5?

Thor held Loki by a gathered armful of leather and metal surcoat over the Abyss of Ideas Too Horrible to be Used, Even on a Villain. "It was funny the first time, but no more, Loki. Stop twisting the Laws of Chaos to turn my teammates into animals."

Loki sneered. "Go ahead, drop me, do you think I'm afraid? What can a mortal imagine that I haven't already endured? I get Mother's Day cards from an eight-legged horse!"

"Don't make me do this, Loki!"

"What? Bring it on! Bring your aliens and anal probes! Your Unrequited Sexual Tension! Your hypothermia in caves! Adoption! Patricide! Fashion disasters! DADDY ISSUES! I've been there and done that for everything!"

"Oh, Loki," came an incredibly sweet voice, like the chiming of crystal flutes mixed with ermine violins. "You just need the love of a good woman."

Loki looked down at the perfect features of the woman awaiting him in the pit. Her arms were outstretched, lean, perfect muscle. Her fingernails were perfectly manicured. Her hair rippled in waves of obsidian silk down the contours of her incredibly fit, yes, perfect, body. Her eyes were depthless pools of indigo, not the cheap indigo in a box of Crayolas, but the true indigo smuggled in blocks across the alps on winged camel-back or suchlike. Her incarnadine lips parted, revealing teeth like a matched set of pearls. "I will give you back rubs!"

Loki squealed like a girl. "No, no, not MARY-SUE! I'll be good, Thor! I promise!"

**Author's Note:**

> There is sort of mpreg involved, although since he's not male at the time, I'm not quite sure how to classify it.
> 
> Also, for some reason, Tony's either not got the arc reactor, or it's not giving off light... I vote for #2. Maybe it's covered by feathers. :^)


End file.
